A Few Good Reasons We HATE Radiohead. Admit it, you do, too…

Ok, this has gone on for far too long! We will no longer let Weezer-lovin’ hipsters bully us into pretending we give a rat’s ass about Radiohead. Join the revolution! Here are a few reasons we’re sick of this band. We probably missed a few thousand points, so feel free to add to the list (there’s a comments section below). In fact, we’ll probably add to this list later…but here’s what comes to mind at the moment.

10 Things I Hate About You, Radiohead

10. The Bends.
We all hated Radiohead when this album came out because they were just a bunch of British art-school jerks who got famous thanks to their ability to make bland, likeable alt-rock by stealing the quiet/loud dynamic perfected by the Pixies and Nirvana. Even though it wasn’t cool to like them, it was hard to deny that this album turned out to be the shining moment of ‘90s alt-rock drama. It’s not emo, but it’s riveting and emotional. This album spawned the great debate over whether this “Creep” band was actually worthwhile, or just another Bush…We hate it, because it made us love Radiohead and we wanted them to be our own little secret, because “Fake Plastic Trees” and “The Bends” made us feel warm and fuzzy.

9. “Just”
Seriously, what the hell was the deal with the video for “Just”? Watch it, and be annoyed once again by the mysterious force that causes everyone to drop down and sleep in the streets…A mysterious man tells us the secret—but you have to be a lip-reader to decipher it. Thanks, guys. Actually, he’s probably saying something like “Trust me…this band is cool now, but soon they’ll be over-rated art-rock wankers…” We didn’t believe it either.

8. Fratboys with acoustic guitars.
I don’t care how much your buddies say you rock—they’re drunk, and you’re dumb—you cannot sing the falsetto parts of “Creep” or “Fake Plastic Trees.” Please stop.

7. Thom Yorke’s wonky eye.
Seriously. What’s up with that? We’re not trying to be mean…but you’ve seen it, right? We love him like a broken puppy. We’re just saying. That’s all…

6. Two words: In Rainbows.
The revolution will be downloaded…for free. (Yawn) Nice try, fellas.

5. Ok Computer.
As much as we hated to admit it, Ok Computer was a great album, possibly better than the Bends, actually. It was dark, and scary and challenging and sad. It was like the Wall or Dark Side of the Moon for the Starbucks generation. We kind of hate Radiohead for not breaking up when this perfect album came out. It would’ve been legendary. But now, it’s just a footnote to their increasingly blah catalog.

4. We’d say Hail to the   Theif…But we’re pretty sure nobody ever actually listened to it. It looks nice on our wobbly Ikea CD rack though.

3. Muse.
If it weren’t for Radiohead, Muse wouldn’t have anyone to steal ideas from. We really hate Muse.

2. We dare you to hum a song from Kid A.

1. Laser Floyd.
We hate Radiohead because someday they’ll be doomed to the same stoner fate as Pink Floyd by providing the soundtrack to a laser show at the planetarium. Sure, it’s fun, but stoners will love it—and stoners smell bad and we don’t want to hang out with them.

Seriously, isn’t anybody else sick of worshipping this band for no reason!?

Leave a comment and let us know what you’d add to the list.

Stay tuned for part two. Right now, we’re too bummed to think about it any more.